I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
You Might Also Like
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
my professor scared me for a second
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Weirdos gonna weird.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no