I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
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Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
The Struggle
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
These 3D printers are insane!