I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
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Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*