I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
You Might Also Like
We decided to have money instead of children.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Meow
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*