I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Good morning.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.