I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
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Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
life finds a way
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought