I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
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Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…