I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
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Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags