I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
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How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?