I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
You Might Also Like
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Happens to everyone.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”