@JamesonN7: I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
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@gwatts77: 9 yo: Hey dad, where is the rest of that ladies bikini? Me: That is actually called a G-string, son. 9: Oh, does the "G" stand for gross?
@ninjadinosaur1: None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
@PaperWash: [First day as a private investigator] *Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound *Gets murdered