@JamesonN7: I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
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@TheDailySchmuck: If someone upsets you, write a nasty letter and file it away before you say something you might regret. Then punch the person in the face.
@neerjagurnani: The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you're unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
@caraweinberger: It's crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
@Jake_Vig: *opens present HER: What is this? ME: It's The One Ring. I fought orcs for it. HER: They didn't have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?