@JamesonN7: I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
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@wchoughton: Just overheard the phrase, "pregnant with a baby," and secretly wondered what the other options were.
@Brianhopecomedy: To ensure my wife misses me while I'm away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
@batkaren: Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
@TheRolo: *Stands in wood & sets self on fire* "OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I want to look hot on tinder.