I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
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Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
i made a craigslist ad !
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?