I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
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Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
british sex workers really pound for pound
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK