@MelvinofYork: I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
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@hasht4g: I wonder how long it will be before "You look like a million bucks" is an insult. #inflation
@thepunningman: Boss: Isn't your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move? Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I'm talking about
@alldrolledup: One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
@bridger_w: I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.