@MelvinofYork: I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
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@NikkiGlaser: What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, "who emptied the dishwasher?!"
@thejessbess: Probably the most valuable life lesson I've learned from a movie is to not steal black girls' cheer routines.
@KelseyCook: Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can tweet angrily from the toilet for your country.