@iscoff: if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you're born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

@jctwritesstuff: I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn't want her head cut off, maybe there should've been actual cake. ~ Why I was kicked off the debate team

@Ristolable: [pitch meeting] Okay so it's a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of 'em. I call it "100 Dalmatians." [idea man pipes in] Let's think bigger

@nbadag: FRIEND: haha she's so cute—say it for him honey HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

@MyHairyLife: Spoiler alert: 2013 sucks too.