“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
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I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call