“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
You Might Also Like
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
We’ve all been there…
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.