I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
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At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
The first matador
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*