I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.