I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
You Might Also Like
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
#NoRestForTheWicked
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
They grow up so quick
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.