Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
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I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.