me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
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Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.