I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
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No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.