I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
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[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
This raises questions
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound