I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
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Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.