@DamonHunzeker: I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
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@FatherWithTwins: *young woman walks by Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don't you think? Me: NO WAY, I'M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
@enigmaterics: I've started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer. Thus I have to move it to get a beer. Because exercise is important too.
@david8hughes: [last supper] "Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver." "30." "Sorry Judas?" [sips wine] "I didn't say anything."