I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
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The cat has already been fed.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
stop
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Body by sandwich.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?