Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
You Might Also Like
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
what it’s like dating me:
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
The future is now.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose