I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
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me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
I’m putting together a team
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.