@KentWGraham: I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
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@aveuaskew: You'd think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won't.
@krishna_van: Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
@thenatewolf: ME: Detectives on tv always take people to diners to ask them questions. DETECTIVE: [sighs] ME: Maybe a few pancakes would jog my memory.
@TuSoonShakur: My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.” But I just call a spayed a spayed.