I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
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Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Breaking news:
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
all that yoga finally paid off
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.