I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
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I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
an airline just for babies.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire