I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
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“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.