I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
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Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”