I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
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Body by Oreos
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
When you try jalapeños for the first time
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.