@ieatanddrink: I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
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@sixthformpoet: Q: What's worse than finding a horse's head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
@RandomlyMJ: Is there such a thing as spontaneous feline combustion? Anyway, baking soda and vinegar are terrible for cats.
@bees_wingz: Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
@kyle_thatisall: Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn't think she needed a nap either.