I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
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‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens: