@socarolinesays: I used to think I'd never be able to be president because I'm a woman but now I know it's because I don't like drinking water
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@AaronFullerton: "Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!" -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
@Kyle_Lippert: If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
@n0tblonde: If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
@Mr_Kapowski: Honestly Officer, the pharmacy ran out of those orange pill bottles so they just gave it to me in this plastic baggie.