8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
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[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Love is always patient and kind.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.