@socarolinesays: I used to think I'd never be able to be president because I'm a woman but now I know it's because I don't like drinking water
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@shesananteater: My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don't understand how revenge works.
@juliussharpe: I'm scared to go to sleep tonight knowing some maniac is running around out there slightly deflating footballs.
@djdarrellripley: Me: Hey, look, I can't stay long, I've got a cab downstairs. Her: You took a cab? Me: I'm gonna give it back!
@AristotlesNZ: Nothing solves all of life's biggest problems like a well-timed, awkward & overly complicated kick to the face. -The Karate Kid.