One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
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Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.