I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
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I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
You deplete me
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.