I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
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“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.