I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
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For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.