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I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”