I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
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I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.