I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
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I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
uh oh
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣