@girl_a_whirl: *pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate Him: U started your diet, didn't u

@Marlebean: [dark alley] Here's the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures. Kidnapper: Wait, don't you want your kids back?

@MichaelGoffLA: Apparently organ donation has to be *your own* organ and this police officer has a lot of questions.

@justabloodygame: "Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!" The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.

@bourgeoisalien: I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.