I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
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I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top