I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
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I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call