I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
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I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I feel seen
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.