I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
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Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please