I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
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If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money