I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
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Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.