@LuvPug: I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don't care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
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@tastefactory: Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me. Guard: Oh, we're not electrocuting you... *college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
@samLM68: How to enjoy babies: 1 Hold them 2 Kiss them 3 Hand them back to their mom 4 Go have drinks with grown ups 5 Laugh about not having a baby
@prawn_meat: if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you "where's the fire" you can just make up an address. they don't have a list of current fires.
@krissywillbretz: Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of "no caller ID" try something like "free shoes"