I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
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Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.