I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
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of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”