I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
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This is hilarious….
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
me irl
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training