I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
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*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me